zomgpwn!

Qtrax is down! Qtrax is down!!

OK, so we've been there too.  We feel your pain guys and girls but... shouldn't you have been ready for this?  You've been prepping launch for quite a while now, and even though the m$m can't seem to figure out exactly what the hell you are (namely, an ad supported, client dl required, walled-in, last resort for the music industry to fight against open and free distribued p2p networks), at least you're getting an assload of press.

Funny how every single blog and site we see is simply reporting how great and revolutionary this will be, yet they haven't clicked your linkey lately or they would be reporting this same story.  Too bad nobody reads us but us.  Eh, we're pretty much over the funnay at this point anyway.

We're gonna go listen to Gratista and watch WKRP on Hulu while we eat Qtrax's lunch.

Qaeda don't Skype

OK, so it's a slow day.  We've started, then abandoned posts on the following topics.

Faux News Channel manages to out-stupid itself; gets smacked silly by Keighly.

HTML 5 finally here... almost.

Artificial life is real.  Wait, what?!

AT&T preps "Ministry Of Truth", readies 'thoughtcrimes' filtering online.

Then we saw THIS nugget and we couldn't resist.  al Qaeda's #2 crocktard A-a-Z is taking questions on the freaking intarwebz!  WTH?!  OK, ok... so far the questions have just been submitted but isn't that kind of ballsy, even for these guys?  It gives us a slightly queasy feeling to know that they are comfortable enough to even think about casually chewing the non-pork fat with their peeps.

Actually it almost seems innocuous, until you start to read the questions that have been submitted.  Even allowing for cultural differences, we're just a little bit unnerved - and it's not even because we're on our third cup of coffee.

The only plus we can see in this whole weird development is that there DOES seem to be a considerable LACK of communication between AQ's devotees and the official power structure.  Most of the questions we've seen are so varied and so broad in nature that it gives a picture of disarray, if not downright confusion.  Good enough for us.  As freaky as it is to see someone demanding that the jihad be spread into Egypt and Palestine immediately, it would be a lot freakier if homeboy Ayman actually started responding.

So, we'll just pretend that it's a big, early April Fool's joke for now and laugh nervously while we try not to click on any links that will get us tossed into the 'persons of interest' file we've heard so much about.

All we can say is, we reallly hope this guy jumps onto Skype or some VoIP service so an AC-130 can cruise by to weigh in on the discussion.  C'mon, fignuts!  Pick up the webcam and let's do this thing.

Our lonely days are over, and life is like a song...

Is it the extra swig of `tussin we just gulped down with our espresso shot that has us feeling so floaty and hopeful?  Possibly.  We're also slightly encouraged by the finally announced developments in the percolating CBS/last.fm team up.

We feel compelled to point out though, that the labels still don't get it.  They're being led by the nose at this point and just trying to hold on to some shred of their former glory by insisting on silly limitations that make no sense in the context of the deals they are entering into.  At least, not for anyone who doesn't work inside the belly of the beastie.

Here's the OK news.  You will soon be able to listen to each FULL track at last.fm instead of the useless 30 second clips that everybody loves to hate.  You'll be exposed to an ad for this privilege... hey, no problem.  We've gotten to be experts at blocking out ad placements like everyone else.

Here's the stupid news.  The labels are demanding that you only get three plays of the full track.  OK.  Like we said, this must sound really great when you weasels are yammering on and enjoying the sound of your own voices in conference rooms.  We know your bosses sit there and nod their heads approvingly as if you've somehow staked a claim for your industry, protecting your ass(ets) and really played hardball with those content plunderers that keep you up at night.  Bullshite.  That limitation will be removed shortly because it's arbitrary and makes no sense.  Either you give music fans the chance to experience your content so they can decide if they want to buy it or you don't.  It's the legacy you created for yourself by litigating against your own consumer base and keeping your heads stuck in the sand for so long.

BUT, here's the really good news... and why we're listening to Etta James while we eat lunch.

Last.fm is launching an unprecedented "Artist Royalty" arrangement, whereby those artists not signed with a label who choose to upload their music to Last.fm will receive payment, directly from Last.fm, every time one of their tracks is played. This means artists without traditional recording or publishing deals will be able to reach millions of music fans, offer their music for free, while generating revenue.

Leaving aside that's it's not 'unprecedented', it's still cool enough to almost offset the three song limitation.   How will this affect some of the other ad supported models that are sputtering along, like imeem?   We're anxious to find out.

Even though ZOMGPWN! hasn't been the biggest supporter of last.fm, we've always quietly rooted for it even after it got subsumed by CBS.  It just gives off that punk rock ethos that makes us dare to dream that there's a better future out there for music fans.  Probably not, but hey... don't harsh our `tussin buzz, man.

Weekend at Glickman's

Normally we don't jump on stories that have already achieved interdork levels of ubiquity but when the lion's share of outlets miss the real uptake on one, we feel compelled to voice our own irrelevant opinions on the matter so we can all read them back to each other and nod seriously while we go "Mmm hmmm... you are totally right about that, man.  I'm gonna ping Technorati right now."

So, OK!  Either the MPAA couldn't pass a pre-Algebra class or they have been deliberately inflating the percentage of their content being passed around CollegeNets.  Whatevs, homey!  Like we didn't know that crap already.  Now M$M is ROFL and having a good old time reporting this as if they are somehow not part of the problem. 

But dig this. (Actually if you could Twitter it or something that might be better.)  Whether this was actually 'human error' or deliberate obfuscation on the part of the MPAA matters little now.  If they can be THIS wrong about THIS statistic then WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE THEY 29% WRONG ABOUT?  Ummm... wdk..  EVERYTHING?  When you're talking 'billions' of $ then 29% matters, a lot.

Also there seems to be a curious lack of interest or care on the part of the blogiverse regarding the inverse conclusion to be drawn here.  Where is that missing % actually coming from?  Broadband growth might be slowing a tad on the global scale, but only because it was blowing doors for a couple of years.  Plus, guess which market bucks the overall trend and just keeps on booming.  Thaaat's right, noodlenose.  The good old North American one.  *brushes own shoulder off*  Yanks + Canucks + Fat Pipes = <3.

Additionally, the concept that it's only or mostly students utilizing p2p is antiquated.  Especially when you look at the issue in 'internet time.'  Of COURSE it's still present on most campuses, but the massive smackdown that most network managers/administrators have been engaged in for quite sometime, combined with the uptick in malware attacks means that a significant portion of the student population has found other ways to share what they want to share.  (Our lips are sealed.)  While the MPAA and RIAA have been busily sighting up this relatively easy target, everyone who ISN'T rocking an .edu address has been busily and increasingly enjoying their content for free.

So while it feels good to point the finger at the MPAA and laugh at their, now exposed and naked, ridiculous claims.  Let's all take a moment to point the finger up our own silly asses and regroup here.

The RIAA is lying to you.  Music labels and distribution companies are lying to you.  Game publishers/sites, media conglomerates and 'news' outlets... all tell you that they're wearing protection.  But trust your own instincts.  They actually blew right by the drug store on their way over without even slowing down.  The simple reason is they CAN'T WAIT TO SCREW YOU and they don't care what they have to say or do to get your face in the pillow.  Their very real attitude is 'bend over, shut up and take it.'

When any massive corporation begins to sue individual users of its content, regardless of the details involved, that means one thing and one thing only.  The global chief of that corporation just realized that he can't buy the private island he wanted to give to his mistress for her birthday, so he had to settle for buying her a yacht instead.  Think we're exaggerating?  That's OK.  It IS hard to imagine it, even for us sometimes.  But we've seen it with our own eyes, and it is NOT pretty.

The issues of 'piracy' and or 'illegal content' should be decided by each individual based on their own moral compass, not the supposedly shrinking coffers of Interglobal Recordz & Moviefilms Inc.

We realize there's a large segment of the consumer population out there that would take this as an extreme or borderline conspiratorial statement.  Hey... whaddaya gonna do?  It's analogous to that friend you had at one time who was dating someone that was ssoooo wrong for them.  You know... the kind that's not even subjective.  Like when your friend was banging that 62 year old Philosophy prof. for a better grade, and he got inside her head and convinced her she was in love with him?  You couldn't change her mind with a sledgehammer so you just had to let her figure it out for herself.  Then she showed up at your place in the middle of the night sobbing about how he pushed her out of his car in front of Food Lion and sped away without saying a word.  It's like that.  Exactly.

She wasn't stupid. She just bought into an attractive lie so she could pretend she was 'making love' instead of getting used like plastic or paper ma'am.

It's time to force that old prick into retirement, or at LEAST get some incriminating shots of him while he's drunk at a frat party and post them on Facebook.

The next time you see some 'report' put out by the RIAA, assume it's a lie.... because it is.  The old business models are dead.  They have been for quite some time.  We're living through their echo... the sounds of their death throes are still bouncing around the canyon walls but the corpse is already stinking.  If the MPAA and RIAA want to slap sunglasses on it and drag it around to try and collect its Social Security checks for a little while longer then that's what they're gonna do.

Just don't let them get into your head with threats and/or false information.   Remember that YOU have the choice to pay for what you feel has value and to NOT pay for what you feel doesn't.   Support new business models, especially the ones who favor cutting out the traditional middle man tier and instead increase the profit share for the people who are creating the art.

Society will be rewarded when it nurtures talent and genuine prolificacy over executive salaries and profit margins.  We love making money and the free market economy as much as the next schmo with a rent payment due.  What we don't love is a manipulated and pre-formed assembly line system of 'approved entertainment'.  You don't need someone to tell you what music, movies or tv shows are 'good' or 'bad'.  You can and should decide that on your own.

The E.U. pwns Google. You own your IP address. PWN!

Is the E.U. trying to fake us out?  Are they REALLY coming down this firmly on the side of the individual when it comes to online privacy?  If you believe everything you read on Teh Netz, they are.

Deutschland's data protection commissioner (Do we have one of those yet?) Peter Scharr is gearing up to smack Yahoogle and Macrosoft across their red white & blue faces, in preparation for more online regulation within the borders of our new favorite country - Europa.   We've already emailed Herr Scharr and offered to crouch silently behind them, while he pushed them from the front.  We await his reply.. but we DO realize that he's a little busy right now.

So what exactly IS all the hubbub about?  Well for one, people should think seriously about using the word 'hubbub'.  There's no way that's gonna make it through the English > German translator without sounding super naughty.

Traurige, deutsche Freunde! Wir entschuldigen uns für unseren freien Mangel an kultureller Empfindlichkeit und bitten Sie, dieses Paar reale amerikanische bluejeans als Friedensantrag anzunehmen. Wir wissen, daß die hart, hinter ' der Wand ' zu erhalten sind. Erklären Sie Bob Geldof, das wir denken, daß er VIEL besser ohne Augenbrauen schaut.

There.  NOW where were we?  Oh yes.  Scharr seems to think that an IP address can and should be 'generally regarded' as 'personal information'.  Whoa... whoa there big guy.  While we certainly applaud your commitment to making Schmidtey cough soy milk out of his nose, have you actually thought this one through?   Our minds are positively swimming with questions!

Did you mean assigned IPs?  My DHCP is hurt and confused.. and it don't know what to do. Or maybe you were just referring to the host address?  I'll trade you five network addresses and a VG-NM `86 Bonds Fleer card for it!  What about my fax machine's IP?  Did our printers just gain individual rights?  The things are already finicky enough.  If I have to start providing them health insurance and lunch breaks there's gonna be a problem.  Have you ever even hosted a LAN PARTY dude?  You're freaking us out!

OK, deep breath.  We're not total rubes.  More like half rube, half amazing.  *posterizes you*  So we can grasp the concept that an IP identified with a human being accessing information online would be the basic place to start for 'ownership' of an IP address.  The way Google sees this is that the IP only identifies a LOCATION.  Most people use the same computer consistently for accessing the netz so that's a toss up.... really a matter of opinion.  We'd go so far as to say that an IP address exists as combination of location and personal identification that shifts regularly depending on the behavior of the individual attached to the address.  (Yes you can quote us.)

Fer instance..  who 'owns' your street address?  You?  Or does everyone who lives at your address own it?  Just the street number or the unit number too?  What about your landlord or your mortgage company?  Are you merely leasing or renting that address from them?  Or do you 'own' it as long as you pay them a set fee every month?  Even leaving analogies aside, what about PCs in internet cafes, or your office computer?  What kind of sick content is that cleaning crew streaming on your workstation after hours.. and why does your office chair always smell so musky?

Clearly these are heady questions that must be worked out to the satisfaction of all economically vested entities, but we're sure glad we don't have to think about it after we hit the submit button.  So why bother even thinking about it at all?  Because it's most likely going to affect you personally, whether you know it or not. 

Companies like M.S. and Googs collect your data and use it in all kinds of clever ways.  One of those data pieces they keep track of and store is your IP address.  This does indeed help them to regionally customize the information you are given when making a request.  If someone in Dublin, VA types 'cricket' into GoogSearch, they get one set of results.  When someone in Dublin, Ireland types in 'cricket' it's a whole different ballgame.  They also use this kind of stuff to prevent click fraud on Adsense and just generally make sure they keep the clever exploits and workarounds to a minimum.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  What many people raise an eyebrow at is the way Privacy Policies are kept in a perpetual state of elevated complexity, effectively preventing many if not most people who live under their influence in the dark.

Granted, it can be a daunting task to try and communicate such a variegated set of regulations to a general public who, quite honestly, don't really care too much about their own online privacy.  In a world where people still assume their IM conversations are private and that most music, film and game reviews aren't bought and paid for - replacing your site logo with a Privacy Policy link might not even do the trick.  Peeps don't wanna read about consent and opt-ins and cookies.  (Mmmm... cookies.)  Nobody reads the tag on their mattress before they go to sleep at night.  Not unless they have some major OCD kickin' upstairs.

Even though we love to make predictions here, we're not gonna touch this one.  Honestly we can see both sides of this issue and just hope that the E.U. can use their increasing influence to add some weight to the side of the users when it comes to protecting their personal information.

In the end, MicroYahoogle will just end up buying the European Union with stock options to shut them up and use your data however they want, but at least we get to watch a good fight in the meantime... until IPv6 gets here anyway.

Google's 'Privacy FAQ'
MS's 'Privacy Statement'
Y! Privacy Policy

We're all in ur networkz, throttling ur packetz, lolz

Did your p2p recently slow down considerably on a university network?  Taking forever to DL stuff that used to zip onto your drive faster than Bill Clinton dozes off during an MLK speech?

Those evil network managers aren't BLOCKING your Torrent so what gives?

Looks like they finally figured out that blockage only results in a workaround.  Ruh-roh, Rorge.

Seems that there are some spiffy new network optimization software packages out there, like Packeteer and Exinda that are taking a sneaky new approach to defeating the wave of p2p traffic on many college nets.  Instead of blocking a protocol, they just knock the priority way, way down and throttle the hell out of your packets, effectively capping your bandwidth.  For music tracks not as big of a deal.  But if you were planning on pulling off  27 Dresses for your honey to keep her distracted while you rampage through a co-op session of COD with your XBL friends list, think again pipe hog.  You'll be waiting days instead of minutes, making it an impractical proposition for most.

That's exactly what the network managers want.  Not only do they avoid getting into a VPN cat and mouse game with your silly ass, they also don't have to worry about being served with Copyright Infringement notices every other week.  Wait.. what else do network managers DO, anyway? 

They can still rightfully claim that they don't stop you from doing whatever you want on their network.  It just takes fifty times longer to do 'whatever you want' now.  Evil?  No doubt.  Are we impressed? Oh for sure.

We're also 100% sure that some clever haxxor will figure out hot to defeat this.  Here's a tip for that person.  VoIP and HTTP are given high priority, while stuff like SQL and Samba get totally blocked off.  You can knock on the back door, but nobody's gonna answer.

Netflix rules your face off with pure awesomeness

OK, so we're a little biased here.  But bear with us. 

Have you ever put your Netflix account on hold?  We just did since the ZOMGPWN! offices are moving soon and we didn't want any of our VIDs (Very Important Discs) to get waylaid in the murky depths of the USPS sorting centers.  God forbid we were delayed from watching History Channel documentaries or UFC 55-71 for one extra second.

So, when we pumped the virtual brakes, we noticed that surprisingly kind dev team over at Da Flix threw up a message on the thank you page mentioning we'd still have 'full access' to the Netflix website.  "Hmmmm.." we muttered out loud to no one in particular.  The office armadillo "Ballmer" surely took no notice of our musing.  Then we got distracted by a kick ass hummingbird flying around the courtyard and totally forgot about the whole thing.  Seriously, hummingbirds are damn cool.

Anyway, later on, we remembered that vague, leading promise and decided to see how FULL our access really was.  Would Netflix still let us stream their rapidly growing catalog of 'Instant' selections even though we weren't paying for physical DVD rentals?  That would just make way too much sense to possibly be possible.

So, we dialed up Doug Stanhope's 'No Refunds' just to be mega ironic about the whole thing.. and damn if their sniffer didn't start sniffing us.  Works like a champ, chippie.

This MIGHT be cause for the creation of the PWNIES, our very own web awards and Netflix is gonna get the very first one.  Regular readers of this site know that we're very, very hard on any corporate entity seeking to aggressively lace down their own virtual coffers since most of the time that involves putting cost considerations over customer considerations.  We get the basic tenants of capitalism, the free market economy and cutthroat competition in the DVD rental space.   But we also get common sense.

Netflix just blasted us in the face with a double barrel full of it and we're still reeling like Clubber Lang at the end of Rocky III.   ZOMGPWN! openly admits that it has no experience with any of the other major rental services but if Netflix keeps this stuff up we might just ask our Grandma to buy us some NFLX shares as our reward for making it all the way through bartender's school.

Who wants a Tom Collins with WAY too much sweet & sour mix?  Anybody?

Home Broadband Office unboxing... in.. Green Bay? Hmm!

We've been hearing for a while now that HBO was 'mulling over' some sort of entry into the Broadband On Demand service for their, admittedly mostly superior television content.  The 'mulling' stage is officially over. (Anyone else feel like some hot apple cider right now?  Yeah, us neither.)

Announced today is the amazing, exciting new service that will allow YOU, yes YOU to view HBO shows, films and specials on your very own li'l PC!  Yes, the one with half of a ripped Hello Kitty sticker on the top that your niece happily applied while you were on the phone with your girlfriend trying to convince her to go see Cloverfield instead of Juno..... the one with the DVD tray that sticks like a mf'er and shuts off inexplicably for no reason sometimes when you're not looking.  THAT ONE.   That is... IF you live in Green Bay or Milwaukee... and you subscribe to HBO (duh)... and you must be using your cable service as your intarwebz provider... and your last name has to start with C, L, P, R or Y.  I think...  Not totally positive on the last one, but you get the drift.   Hey, Brett.  You gave it your best shot, dude.  We'll always love you more than Eli, no matter WHAT happens.

One day the rest of us might get to experience the wonder of watching TV SHOWS on our computer.  Wow.  Until then we'll have to make do with... oh I don't know..  Amazon Unbox, Hulu, Joost, Netflix.. stuff like that.  Of course we here at ZOMGPWN! deplore unapproved evil technologies like BitTorrent and DiVx so you should probably not even Google those if you don't know what they are.  You could end up in MPAA/RIAA jail with the rest of the enemy combatants.

OK, so we're playing a little rough with the Home Box Office bunch.  Let's be honest here.  HBO knows they've got the shiznit when it comes to programming.  Most HBO content is TOP NOTCH, even by our stringent and snooty standards... and we don't just mean that one show with the mob boss who faints all the time or the one about the gay funeral home.  HBO makes a real effort in all segments of programming and the smartest thing they're doing is offering it ALL to this new potential slice of the market.  Specifically, we applaud the inclusion of their sports programming, documentaries, late-night boobie shows and the original Spanish language stuff.   That pretty much covers everybody.

The other smartness involved here is the delivery system.  Participants can control programming via a UI that's a nice mash-up of DVR and On Demand style interface. 

Therefore, as much as we'd love to poop on this parade, we really can't.  HBO seems to 'get it' re: what customers want and at least they're really trying here.  Also despite our chiding, limiting this to two cities close to one another - with different population bases will allow their team to do some quality tire kicking, which should mean a smoother national roll-out should that day ever come.

As long as their parent Time Warner doesn't try to charge $30 in BB fees to DL one episode of Big Love, this puppy has a real chance.

Another skeptic take from alleyinsider.com here.

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to SPARQL Motion

We've been cogitating on a big ol' anti 'Web 2.0' rant for a while, but we're still not done linguistically eviscerating the concept yet, so we thought a better idea might be to start talking more about what's coming next.  Specifically the Semantic Web.

If you aren't super familiar with the concept, it can be (clumsily) summed up thusly.

"...an evolving extension of the World Wide Web in which web content can be expressed not only in natural language, but also in a format that can be read and used by software agents, thus permitting them to find, share and integrate information more easily." - Wiki

Anyone who has attempted to send queries across data stores that are even slightly divergent in the way they are constructed, called and/or parsed has experienced the brain crushing difficulty that can sometimes ensue.  There are ways to skin that cat but they all involve you losing a fair share of your epidermis simultaneously.

RIGHT?  That's where 'semantics' comes into play.  What if you could design a way to query across multiple data sources and pull back results that mash those non-uniform data sources together easily so you could actually utilize multiple sources quickly and effectively?

Well, Chachi... now you can. 

Meet SPARQL.  It runs on top of HTTP or SOAP and provides what amounts to a standard web service for any incoming query.  Freakin yay!

HOW does it work, EXACTLY you say?  Well to be honest we don't understand a lot of the web voodoo that W3C do's, but if you want to read up to your hearts content, you can dig in here.

Here is a quick rundown of how it's being used so far, with extensive documentation for all you extra smart people.

Personally we can't wait `til you geeks get this poppin' because we just KNOW that there's going to be some way that this will help us get better porn faster, which is of course the benchmark of all new advancements in technology.

Full PR at LinuxElectrons.com here

Don't Blinkx twice? It's alright.

ZOMGPWN! are unabashed fans of everything Blinkx does so we thought we'd cover what they've been up to lately.  We'd love to see them hooking up with some partners who have fatter pockets... and pipes.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, pervy!)

But now that the WGA and broadcast TV are sticking to each other's wickets, original online video content should theoretically get a bump in quantity and quality.  Then again that's what they said about, that.. um... other thing that they said that about.  Remember?  You totally do, dude.

Anyway, the list of new partners we just read about is pretty exciting because it means that there's plenty of life left in the Blinkxters.  WE LOVE that Blinkx pimps the Indies and shares out revenue properly.

Jumping on board the Blinkx bandwagon are the following entities: Calon TV, ChannelFlip.com, Channel X, Foothill Entertainment, Future Shorts, jeko.tv, Journeyman Pictures, Looking Glass International, MoMedia, Monster Distributes, Reelport, Wysiwyg Films and YoungCuts.

Big ups, Suranga.